from Roger Hartopp: Interior of large major record store. A rapper is spouting away in the corner. Customer arrives and approaches counter to be greeted by young assistant. Artistic licence has been taken here as one realises such a conversation could not possibly take place these days. But it's a bit of fun. Apologies to Monty Python and the Cheeseshop sketch. Melrose: Good morning sir. TD fan: Good morning. I was sitting in my abode just now, listening to some old pieces of black 12 inch vinyl when all of a sudden I decided to be a little bit more up-to-date. Melrose: Up-to-date, sir? TD fan: Neoteric. Melrose: Eh? TD fan: I bought myself a Compact Disc player! Melrose: Ah! Cd's! TD fan: In a nutshell. So I thought to myself after buying the necessary means of further entertainment that I would sally forth and infiltrate your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some discs to replace the vast aggregation of black flat vinyl set down on the stage of my abode featuring the exquisiteness of this sphere's most paramount electronic assemblage. Melrose: Come again. TD fan: I want to buy some CD's by Tangerine Dream. Melrose: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the rapper. TD fan: Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of dulcet expression. Melrose: Sorry? TD fan: Oooh, I like a good dance tune - I'm forced to. I have no choice most of the time. Melrose: So he can go on rapping, can he? TD fan: Of course. Now, my good man, a CD by Tangerine Dream, please. Melrose: Certainly sir. What would you like? TD fan: Well, I suppose I'd better go right to the start. How about Electronic Meditation? Melrose: I'm afraid we're straight out of the Electronic Meditation CD, sir. TD fan: Oh never mind. Maybe I just try a little later. How are you on the CD Hyperborea? Melrose: Not at the moment sir. Always get the discs from the distributor on Friday. TD fan: Tish tish. No matter. Well, I think we'll have Le Parc then, if you please, stout yeoman. Melrose: Ah, well, it's been on order for two weeks sir. I was expecting it this morning. TD fan: Yes, it's not my lucky day, is it. Er, Goblin's Club? Melrose: Sorry. TD fan: Turn of the Tides? Melrose: Normally sir, yes, but today the van broke down. TD fan: Ah, Heartbreakers? Melrose: Sorry. TD fan: Alpha Centauri, Atem? Melrose: No. TD fan: Do you have Stratosfear? Melrose: No. TD fan: Thief? Melrose: No. TD fan: Poland? Melrose: No. TD fan: White Eagle? Melrose: No. TD fan: The Seven Letters From Tibet? Melrose: No. TD fan: Tyranny of Beauty? Melrose: ...No. TD fan: 220 Volt? Melrose: No. TD fan: Any CD's originally released on the Jive-electro label? Melrose: No. TD fan: Catch Me if You Can, Quinoa, Zoning, Green Desert, Zeit, Pergamon, Cyclone, Exit, Wavelength, Miracle Mile, Optical Race... Melrose: No. TD fan: Rockoon perhaps? Melrose: Ah! We do have Rockoon, sir. TD fan: You do? Excellent. Melrose: The case is a little bit scratched sir. TD fan: Oh, I don't mind. Melrose: Well as a matter of fact it's very scratched sir. TD fan: No matter, no matter. Hand over the disc, s'il vous plait. Melrose: I think the condition of the whole package is worse then you'd like it, sir. TD fan: I don't care what the f**king condition of the disc is. Hand it over with all speed. Melrose: Yes sir. Oh... TD fan: What? Melrose: My boss has sold it. TD fan: Has he? Melrose: She, sir. TD fan: Destination Berlin? Melrose: No. TD fan: Great Wall of China? Melrose: No. TD fan: Encore? Melrose: No. TD fan: Dead Solid Perfect? Melrose: No. TD fan: The Hollywood Years Volumes 1 & 2? Melrose: No, sir. TD fan: You do have some CD's by Tangerine Dream, don't you? Melrose: Certainly sir. It's a Cd shop sir. We've got... TD fan: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. Melrose: Fair enough. TD fan: Melrose? Melrose: Yes, sir? TD fan: Oh, well I'll have that then. Melrose: Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr. Melrose, that's my name. TD fan: Antique Dreams? Melrose: No. TD fan: Ambient Monkeys? Melrose: No. TD fan: Ricochet? Melrose: No. TD fan: Canyon Dreams? Melrose: No. TD fan: Any copies of Sohoman? Melrose: No. TD fan: Lily on the Beach? Melrose: No. TD fan: The Keep? Melrose: Not today sir, no. TD fan: Well let's go for the biggie. How about Phaedra? Melrose: Well I'm afarid in the thirty odd years the shop's been here we've never sold a copy of Phaedra round these parts. TD fan: Never sold a copy? It sold over 100,000 copies in this country and is their best selling album in the world! Melrose: Not round these parts, sir. TD fan: And pray what is the best selling Tangerine Dream album round these parts? Melrose: Tangram, sir. TD fan: I see. Melrose: Yes sir. In fact, it's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire. TD fan: Is it? Melrose: Yes sir, it's our number-one seller in instrumental music. TD fan: Is it? Melrose: Yes, sir. TD fan: Tangram, eh? Melrose: Right. TD fan: OK, I'm game. Have you got a copy, he asked, expecting the answer no? Melrose: I'll have a look... nnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooo. TD fan: It's not much of a CD shop, is it? Melrose: Finest in the district, sir. TD fan: And what leads you to that conclusion? Melrose: Well, there's so many CD's in stock. TD fan: Well, it isn't exactly stocked with Tangerine Dream records. Melrose: You haven't asked me about Dream Mixes 3, sir. TD fan: Is it worth it? Melrose: Could be. TD fan: Okay, have you... SHUT THAT BLOODY RAPPER UP!!!! Melrose: Told you so. TD fan: Have you got Dream Mixes 3? Melrose: No sir. TD fan: Predictable really. `Twas an act of the purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me, Melrose: Yes sir? TD fan: Do you have any CD's by Tangerine Dream at all? Melrose: Yes sir. TD fan: Really? Melrose: No sir. Not a copy, We only stock discs that are in the Top 100 or by acts that sell millions and rap and house music. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir. TD fan: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. Melrose: Right-ho, sir. (BANG - lies dead on the floor) TD fan: What a senseless waste of human life.